As a practicing psychoanalyst/psychotherapist who treats adults and their children in a private setting, I have become acutely aware of a significant dynamic that affects most adolescents and their parents regarding the college application process. This time is often a pressure cooker for all involved when grades are essential to getting into a school of choice. The pressure may begin as early as Freshman year. It is also a time when families start planning campus visits. What I want to convey during this challenging period is to remember that, first and foremost, this is your child’s experience. Putting too much pressure on your child adds to a highly excitable time—school work, extracurriculars, friends, etc. Senior year is often fun, but all of this is an end to their high school career. They usually have one foot out the door and are dealing with the anxiety of growing up. In this time frame, feeling safe and comfortable cannot be underestimated for your student.

Parents, ask yourself how important it is to you where your child goes to college. Step back and try to understand why this is important to you. Please recognize that where your child goes to college is just a piece of the parenting process. I have witnessed the shame students feel not getting into a parent’s alma mater or a top 10 school. Think about the impact this process has on your adolescent. They feel tremendous self-judgment and self-criticism already. They don’t need the added worry of making you happy. They immediately know when they have disappointed you.

Just imagine when college acceptances come out, and everyone is sharing where they got into school. This entire turbulent experience can trigger feelings of self-doubt, family standards, and expectations.

As one parent told me recently, she realized that her child’s mental state was the concept she had to keep in mind during this long process. This would be ideal, but too often, the situation becomes messy and a family issue. My job is to explore with parents and adolescents what a realistic situation is for the child and the family.

A youngster I work with struggled through the entire senior year feeling ashamed because she was worried that she would not get into her father’s alma mater and that wherever she got into school would not be good enough. We processed her feelings at length and focused on what her choice would be and what would make her happy. Ultimately, she made the best choice for her, and the results have been enormously positive. This was a significant learning lesson for this teen and her parents.

  • Parent, explore within yourself why it is important that your child goes to a particular school.
  • Always be mindful of your teenager’s experience.
  • Work together when important, as you allow them to make their own decisions.

Parents, remember, you are not going to college; your child is. Give help and assistance when appropriate, keeping in mind the stressors that are impacting your child in this process. Be loving and accepting of however things turn out. I am available to work through the process with families and/or the student.